| Saturday, August 22nd, 2009 |
| 5:02 pm |
Cofradia week 1
Okay I wrote this last night when I was not feeling the greatest. But I am doing better today. I pooped (yes i wasn't before) and the tic infestation has some major progress. I think the house is mostly tic free. So i feel okay now. This week has been a bit less fun and fancy free as the last one though that does not mean it has been less eventful or exciting. Mom and I had our adventures, but I don’t feel like talking about them at the moment. Let’s start at my arrival at Cofradia on Wed. So I get here and Marcia (the cook at the Rocks, Ben’s house/bar/pool and a teacher last year), Laura (1/2 Honduran girl though grew up in the states who was here last year and is going to teach Kindergarten again this year), and Kevin (my just out of the military, giant black teddy bear of a roommate who has been here for 2 months and is teaching Pre-K) came and picked me up. After some errands they brought me to my house which is near the Rocks and across town from the school but Ben and Mirna (his wife? I say this cause they both also have a girl/boy friend) own it so we can stay here. Anyway I start getting settled in at the house here as I decide not to live with in the smoking house (except Kevin does smoke). Jo (experienced science teacher) decides to come be my roommate as she doesn’t like smoke either. I don’t mind as the room is big and she seems very clean and helpful. The major craziness of that day was the massive overhaul cleaning we did on our bedroom and bathroom. I killed 2 cockroaches! I freaking out a little just thinking about it as I think I have a mild phobia of them but I am so proud I was able to kill them (with Raid and a shoe) and then sweep them up. It was a fairly disgusting. Andrew and Beth (UK- Australian couple) were also cleaning their room, which is in a separate little house in the back (2 rooms and a bathroom). They come to Jo and me afterward and confess they are thinking about leaving. Beth doesn’t feel safe, Andrew doesn’t want to teach his own grade (they thought they would be individual tutors not teachers), their bedroom is damp, the bed is broken etc. This does not help my confidence a lot as you can imagine. So when we go to orientation on Thurs and the couple leaves directly after I’m feeling the panic start to rise. Orientation consisted mainly of keep the kids in uniform, discipline them and do whatever you want but keep track of it. Oh and we got a few books if you need some help. So my mindset was OMG what have I got myself involved i. I have no idea what I’m doing and no one to help me. This is why these past few days have been all about battles, small annoying battles. First, we’ve got the school’s battle with money. There doesn’t seem to be any money left for our supplies, not to mention anything about a stipend (yeah I’m really not counting on getting it soon, if ever). It’s hard to hear if you want your class to have something you are probably going to have to buy it yourself. Jo said that she had a drive for that kind of thing before she left and I was thinking about having one maybe around Christmas. Next we have our battle being short staffed. In addition to the couple leaving a few of the other volunteers either didn’t show up or they left right away. I kinda freaked out when I heard I was not only going to have 2nd grade but 4th twice a day too. I still am a bit in denial and haven’t really planned anything for the class at all. It was really annoying because they didn’t even ask me they just said here you go, tough luck if you can’t handle it. I felt like Q: anything else NOT MY JOB. I signed up to be an teacher but that doesn’t mean I supposed to teach more than one grade and pay for all their shit. It’s very frustrating, especially when you have Ben the “director” sitting up in his room all day doing absolutely nothing. But what I call the war of our house is our struggle with a tic infestation. We have these 2 dogs in our yard. Apparently they are from someone in the family and they are for protection but I don’t think they would do anything to prevent robbers. I’m counting more on the deadbolt. Anyway they are literally crawling with hundreds if not thousands of tics. They have also managed to figure out a way to open the back screen door so if no one is watching they will run into the house. So now we have tics all over the floor of the living room. Despite our strict dog quarantine and they recent “cleaning” by the teenage boy who helps at the Rocks, there are tics popping up everywhere. I think I’ve killed over a hundred today in the house and on the porch with a key or spray. Luckily they are not in our rooms Thank God or I would be just about done. Also hoping that Mirna comes through on her word and gets rid of the dogs tomorrow (brings them to a new house). I don’t mind dogs but Absolutely not ones that are this gross. Anyway I hope that future blogs will be more uplifting. It’s been a tough few days, but I do feel optimistic. I decorated my classroom today and set up the desk, which was great. Yesterday I helped tutor some of the struggling kids and I saw them today and one of them actually remembered some of what I said. That was encouraging. I’m anxious for school to start as I think it’s the kids that will keep me going (and are what are motivating now). |
| Wednesday, July 29th, 2009 |
| 7:55 pm |
2.5 days left in Madison
Weird to think I'll be moving out so soon. I am not packed at all either. And Brenna's family needs to come get her stuff (and they are even worse than her about doing it right away so my dad is not happy). Also strange is that I'm in one of those moods where I just want to be alone even though I won't be seeing any of these people in a really long time so I should be as social as possible. I think I'm just avoiding goodbyes and such. I've been thinking a lot about my time here in Madison and how much I've grown. I have definitely changed since freshmen year, especially in this last year. Now, I have the urge to recap some of my year. Well I might as well that I'm avoiding saying goodbye to many of the people it involves: First was the craziest two weeks of my life in Sep. with my bike accident, breakup with Richey and apartment break-in. yeah thought I might have a nervous break-down, but it all turned out for the best. I got into a good psych lab even after missing the interview and I feel more like a whole person since becoming single. Next was the whole Jack fiasco. Oh dear. How long did that craziness last? Nov-May? Did it ever actually end? Haha so much drama especially since we were officially only together for a little over 5 weeks. And it was never on facebook. Maybe that's why it ended haha. Despite its roller-coaster feel, I'm happy it happened. Do I think we are better friends because of it? I don't know but I don't think we could have been such good friends without something like this happening. A good thing about it was that I felt like I could be liked/like someone. Also good to know that I really can keep business and pleasure separate seeing as I never let it affect improv. There's also the experimentation with alcohol/smoking. The latter will not happen again after the night at Natalie's friends house where I saw tiles move and couldn't say anything for 2 hours because I thought I was autistic and thought if I did something bad would happen. Oh god. I also ate an entire box of coco puffs and I hate coco puffs. I'm just happy nothing bad happened. Drinking probably will happen again but again never to the extent of my grad party. Oh Natalie what you do to me!!! I hope that is the one and only night that I vomit because of drinking. I am just thankful that in both circumstances I was with people I absolutely trust, I can't imagine otherwise seeing as I did make out with someone (hence Nov-May... oh Maddie). I guess experimentation with non-committal relationships should be one too. Jack is one convoluted example. Mike is another. That's all I want to say about that. Regardless I don't feel bad about it as it has helped me to just be able to make out with someone without a relationship and be OKAY with it. So it was a good thing. Not that I want to have many of those types of relationships but it's not a bad thing to have had one. Becoming better friends with those close to me has been wonderful. In our last few weeks together I felt like Brenna and I were married. It's awesome to have multiple really close friends you can confide in (not just be dependent on one person or vice versa) and who support you. It seems obvious that when you say to your best friends "Hey I'm going to Honduras for a year!" they say "That's awesome I'm so happy for you" but until this year my best friend would not have said that (ps this is Richey if you didn't know) and would probably have been pissed. I feel so blessed to have such wonderful people, who truly want what's best for me, in my life. I guess under this I have also come so much closer to my family. Over Christmas break I made up with Natalie (not that we were fighting but we needed to talk about stuff), I started liking talking to Quentin and I think the parentals and I are getting to have a much more adult relationship. *excited for traveling with my mom in Honduras! This summer has allowed me to relax a LOT. And somewhat enjoy/get used to living alone. I see a lot of people but unlike the school year I am not busy every hour of every day. Plus I've been able to do things I've never done before: run 4+ days a week for about 2 miles, make new friends (well I've done this before but not usually so many in such a short time), do stand-up and reject dating offers. The last one seems mean or vain but it isn't. Almost every person who has said that they like me I have ended up dating or whatnot (Nick Wilson does not count cause I swear he liked Brenna too!) except if I've been in a relationship. Okay so the sample size on this is 3 but whatever not many people have said they liked me. I'm just happy that I don't feel like I have to like someone back if I don't. Hey don't get me wrong if it's not that I never want someone to ask me out. It's more that I can say no to a guy I'm not attracted to, a guy who is not my type or a creeper old guy from my stand-up workshop. I want to date but NOT now. People who ask when they know I'm leaving in such a short time are just looking for some ass (and Carly says I have a nice one;) So I guess most of these have to do with relationships but that's because that is what's most important to me. School, career, money all important. Of course but without the backbone of personal relationships none would work or be worth the effort anyway. And I'm not as worried about my prospects seeing as I did 90th+ percentile on my GRE HELL YEAH! Okay now I'm done (bet you guys didn't know all of that! and why you have read all this? It's so long!) and want to see people again. Good thing I think Jason is coming over in an hour or so. I will just read Dune until then. Current Mood:  contemplative |
| Thursday, July 16th, 2009 |
| 7:26 pm |
Cleaning findings and teaching
So my mom is coming to Madison to move 1/2 of my stuff out so I've spent most of today cleaning and organizing. I've found some surprising and old things. The strangest was definitely the present Richey gave me last year when we had our 4 year anniversary. It wasn't surprising that I still have it (psst I am not going to throw out a curious george lunch box) its that I still had unopened chocolate in there. How could I forget about candy?!? Haha its all melty old now but whatever I'm still going to eat it. I found some old assignments and letters too. It was nice to find the postcards I got last year from you guys from around the world. It's strange to think of leaving Madison but I am definitely ready to. I got an email from Carla at the school in Honduras and everything is calm there so I'm still going. She is sending me a list of things I should bring/prepare. She also asked me what grade I wanted to teach (pre-K to 6th grade), so she can send me some things about their curriculum. I think I am going to say 3rd grade (maybe 2nd) because pre K and K are too young to teach much to (not to mention they drain all your energy as they are hyper/not focused). 1st grade is young to plus you have to teach them how to read and I don't think I feel comfortable enough doing that. 5th and 6th grade you can teach more to but they can also have attitudes. So I'm thinking 3rd grade because they should already know how to read, are still cute but not bratty (or not as bratty), and you can still teach them some more interesting things. Plus I have the most experience working with them. What do you guys think? Mel I know you have experience with the kiddies. Thoughts on what will make me less likely to go insane? |
| Sunday, May 31st, 2009 |
| 5:00 am |
Timing is always all wrong
The sky's getting light out and yet I cannot sleep. Not because I'm not tired but because I don't want to fall asleep to wake up to the cruel reality of having to live alone again and also I had some caffeine tonight so that always keeps me up. Next I would like to say how annoying boys are. They never like you when you want them to or you have the wrong one like you. You always seem to like the assholes or whatever. Grrr. Then you get to be your single self while you watch the cuteness of a new couple unfold (Toni and her new boyfriend, the one she got like 2 weeks after she broke up with yer old boyfriend). No I'm happy for her though he seems really cool, and I think it was super cute she wanted me as one of her girlfriends to "approve" (meaning scope him out). I just don't know how she does it meeting actually nice guys in bars. |
| Sunday, March 1st, 2009 |
| 2:22 am |
Best day ever
Despite messing up my monologue at auditions, this day has been awesome. I have been tired from no sleep, nervous, really hyper off of Dobra tea (didn't know it was really caffeinated), so tired I required a 2 hr nap, dancey, sarcastic, and just plan excited. I think that this is the reason this day has been great because its been so random, like me. |
| Wednesday, February 25th, 2009 |
| 2:19 am |
Running on Empty
First time I have time to sleep and I can't. I don't know what it is but I've been feeling slightly depressed the past few days. Perhaps this is because I have been so busy and such. Perhaps this is because I'm tired of winter or scared of summer. Perhaps this is cause my mom is riding me to plan out my graduation stuff. Perhaps this because its been 5mo and I actually want to go on a date but only those I have no interest in like me and those I do don't (instead interested in girls who are prettier than me. Poo). Perhaps its cause I miss Callyson :( even though me and Brenna are getting along great. I'm thinking of auditioning for another play. I know I am crazy right? I want to do it as almost all the people auditioning are improv (titanic or understudies) people so I know that the cast would be amazingly fun. I don't know if I would get in though as there are at least 15 girls trying out for 3 parts. Oh and I have to prepare a monologue and I don't want to do mine from the VM. I honestly think I can't be happy unless I super busy but then I'm not happy if I'm too stressed either. I'm also realizing that today is Ash Wednesday and I think I want to do something for Lent. I wondering if going to the surf once a week is possible for me. I've given up candy before, and desert freshman year but it always sucks for my birthday. I did pretty well of keeping my New Year's resolution, but that mostly involved confronting issues and people (not that its easy its just something you only have to do once or twice). |
| Monday, February 16th, 2009 |
| 11:11 am |
I love vaginas!
Yeah the Vagina Monologues is one of the best things I have done in college. I didn't think I was one to get up on stage and talk about that sort of thing (much less scream about it) but I'm glad I challenged myself to do this. It was an awesome experience. I just don't know what I'm going to do now that I have time... homework? I doubt it. The funny thing about plays is that you get to know your lines so well they are in your head all the time (I'm pretty sure in my dreams last night) but once the performances are over you don't know what to do with them. |
| Tuesday, January 20th, 2009 |
| 11:07 pm |
the future ...
Sad I just keep thinking in a few months no matter what all my friends will be spread across the country and world. I'm just worried we won't keep in touch (like with most high school people but I care about college peeps more) especially if I decide to go abroad for a year. Then when I come back not only will I not know what to do with my life I will also have no idea where to go. Eww future. I guess I should just focus on the present. Like memorizing my monologue. Oh yeah for all you that didn't know I'm gonna be in the Vagina Monologues on Feb 14th and 15th and you should definitely go. |
| Friday, January 16th, 2009 |
| 11:27 pm |
Crackerjack box prizes
Wow its really true. I really am crazy to think that though it's the same thing happening over and over, this time there will be different results. Nope. Sometimes I hate people. But you know what it's really not other people, it's me. I need to realize that my expectations won't work and I should either let the expectations or the person go. I guess I could tell them about it but that doesn't usually work as they probably won't change. I feel like very few people really want to change. |
| 6:54 pm |
Oh family...
I've finally gotten used to living at home again and now I'm heading back to Madison. I am excited to see everyone and have things to do. I will miss not being stressed out and hanging out with my family. Quentin is well... an immature 16 year old boy, but recently I feel like he's actually becoming a person. I mean that we can finally have decent conversations and we get along pretty well (when he's not being moody). Natalie (when she's home which is approximately 10% of the time) is loads of fun. I think once I got over the fact that she'd much rather be working and partying than hanging out with the fam everything just was much better. I could just enjoy it when we could hang out with her instead of being mad that she hasn't been home. This is one of the first times actually where I've wanted to stay later and not been in a rush to return to school. Nat really wants me to stay till Sun but I think that's just setting myself up for disappointment. I know that if I do we won't hang out and then I will be upset. I should just head out while everything is good. Sigh. It's funny when you remember that you really like the family you bitch about all the time. I think its also a good thing I'm going back to Madison now so that no more random things can happen to me without Callyson or Brenna around to freak out with me. Ahh and crazy dreams. |
| Saturday, January 10th, 2009 |
| 11:49 pm |
Icefishing
I saw a play with my parents and I wanted to write down my favorite lines as I thought they were pretty funny: If you freeze paradise it'll last longer You are like Lake Mille Lacs- not too deep and go on forever. Yeah it's a bit cold... I'd wear a coat. Now I am sad that I don't remember more. There was some great accents and Minnesotan humor. |
| Friday, January 9th, 2009 |
| 2:30 pm |
Flashbackward
I ran into a girl that I went to middle school and the beginning of high school with. It's weird every time I see this girl all my self confidence vanishes and its like I'm 14 again. Background for this girl was that she was my best friend but I guess I wasn't cool enough to be hers so she would get a series of new ones until she moved to a more popular group and soon after a new school. It always seemed like I was her less attractive less cool friend. I know I am different than how I was in 7+ years ago and I know I am better than that but something about her just makes me feel 1 inch tall. Its stupid seeing as she is working at Walgreens and I have 1 more semester left in college so I my future looks a bit more bright. And to think that this feeling is based on the simple irritating fact that she is still so much more attractive than me. Who cares? I'm not unattractive and have a lot going for me (i like to think). Oh well I'm just glad I don't have to see her on a regular basis. You know it's funny I really should thank this girl for ditching me all those years ago. That was the reason I joined improv. In other news I am very excited to have dinner next week with my former coworkers from the Bead Monkey. I also picked up some sweet beads to make stuff with. I had to limit myself to one new project and few things for older projects or I would have no money. I do not need anymore beads thats for sure, I just can't help myself. |
| Wednesday, January 7th, 2009 |
| 9:37 am |
today will soon be gone like yesterday is gone
I figured out that I don't really miss being with R I just don't like being alone. There's a comfort in knowing that someone is there for you and that you won't end up alone. You fear irrationally that you will never find somebody and that something about you flawed so no one can love you again. To compensate I inflate possibilities up in my mind, which will only lead to disappointment. I don't really know how to change these feelings or even if they can change. I think I should do things you can only do when you are single, though I don't know what these are (I'm not planning on making out with all kinds of guys but still going to a club would be nice). I want to be okay with being single. I want to be happy with myself and my life without a guy. I know that I am better off because of the breakup but now I really want to feel it. |
| Friday, January 2nd, 2009 |
| 12:06 am |
Plans, finally
So here I was this morning feeling lame and down about myself and the world as I have done nothing but stalk the internet for a week and a half, when 2 different hang out plans pop up. Both are from people I did not think I would be hanging out with here in the TC but both who I am so excited to see. Tomorrow I am going to be hanging out with J. Forbes as he is in town for a few days and the friend he is staying with has to work. Then on Sat Brenna is coming to stay with me for a few days as she is getting a ride with one of her friends who goes to school here. And here I thought I had no friends. Well I guess I have 2 who want to hang out with me so that's nice to know. I'm really happy that I get to do something because being here makes me feel very isolated and sad. Not that I don't enjoy seeing/being with my family because I do but it's not like they are around all the time nor do I want to hang out with them all the time. I am excited that Amelia is back for a few days too as she has some great stories. We are going (with Brenna) to go to a Nature Center on Sun to learn about animal tracking, which sounds pretty cool. I think Brenna and my dad are going to get along well as she loves hearing/telling random facts about animals and so does he. Plus who else but the two of them do I know that watch EVERY nature episode regularly (even if they've already seen it). I guess this is just fate as this afternoon one of my "resolutions" was to have a less boring week than the ones I've been having so far this break. Now I have plans and I worked out today by skiing over 2 miles (so sweet). 2009 you might not be so bad after all. All I have to do now is figure out what I'm going to do after graduation... |
| Thursday, January 1st, 2009 |
| 6:10 pm |
I always want to make resolutions but I know that I won't remember them nor will I probably keep them. Just like Christmas presents I see the allure but think they are ultimately pointless unless you really put a lot of effort into them. Ooops dinnertime anyway. |
| Tuesday, December 30th, 2008 |
| 11:56 am |
FUCK!
Fuck me I am so stupid! I just got this really bitchy email from Amy the fellow director of URS being like: This is the 3rd reminder to turn in your article for spring semester...I shouldn't have to tell you to do your job. I was like shit i forgot to send it!!!! The other times she told me were purely verbal reminders which i forget so fast not to mention they were during finals which okay why would you do this to me! I know its my job and I should have remembered. AHHH this just sucks cause now she hates me, or at least thinks I am some lazy good-for-nothing. AND i was going to apply for a research program this summer to which she is sent the applications. UCK! I am going to have to do some serious kissing ass when I get back. At least I turned in some cool things like you tube videos. You should check out this controversy of a guy who made a statue of Jesus with an erection its kinda funny. The stupid thing is is that I found some of this stuff a little while ago but just forgot about it. Man why am I so forgetful and even then why didn't i send it when I did remember (for instance when she reminded me. Oh well maybe I will just work as a waitress this summer. I'll probably make more money and I will have a notepad to write stuff down on. Ghhhh i feel really stupid right now. Plus the way she wrote that email really made me feel as if she was writing it to her 4 yr old daughter. |
| Saturday, December 27th, 2008 |
| 5:13 pm |
Grades?
What did I miss the memo that you have to post your grades. Well I dont really feel like it cause I want to be a rebel L (PS you should watch that sesame street video it's great). All I got to say is I am happy with myself. I feel pretty good about writing 50 pages in less than a week and having them make sense to people. So I have been wondering what to do next year. I want to go abroad next year but it would also be nice to do something that would help me figure out what I want to do with my life. One of my professors gave me a sweet website to look up stuff for research/jobs in animal cognition. I was thinking of applying to this one at Duke. http://www.animalbehavior.org/ABSNews/1228090595. I don't know if I am qualified enough as I have never worked with apes just with humans but they said it's not necessary. I am interested in doing research on humans and animals in tandem but I don't know if I am Brenna into it. ummm decisions decisions. |
| Friday, December 26th, 2008 |
| 3:30 pm |
Deck the halls with snot rags, mostly mine
I'm sick and havent done anything since coming home on Monday. I did go to Church yesterday for Christmas but my favorite part is singing carols which I couldn't really do so that sucked. Plus by the time I got home I felt like a I got hit by a train. It sucks when you sleep for 10hours and still feel like crap. But really I shouldn't complain as the sickness has given me a good excuse to be lazy as hell, which is what I wanted to be after finals. Natalie and I made some sweet Babcia cookies and my mom decided to get a Wii for everyone for Christmas instead of individual presents. It's freakin sweet I'm just sad that I wont be able to steal it after Jan (maybe I can have it for a week or something this summer but with Q it seems unlikely). My greatest task has been to get a picture of my cat in a specific head upside down sleeping pose. Yep I'm cool. Whatever I don't care I have nothing to do. Okay thats a lie I have plenty but none that I want to do. I do not want to figure out what I'm doing this summer or next year even though I really have to. At least my grades from last semester came in and I dont have to worry about them anymore... except that Q in Abnormal Psych, I knew I should have dropped the honors for it a long time ago. Oh well I know that I will get an A and my GPA will be boosted (woot!) i just have to go through the hassle of getting the course changed. One of my goals over break is to read a bunch of books, which is essential now that I am sick and can't do much (and do not want to see anyone). So if you all have any suggestions let me know. Happy holidays! |
| Wednesday, December 24th, 2008 |
| 4:25 pm |
My sister is a badass.
Basically we found out today she is fine. Base camp saw her a couple of days ago and she seems to be doing well. I wanted to know more about where she is/what she is doing so I checked out the website for her program. http://www.teachingdrum.org. she is doing the 1 month long program ( http://www.teachingdrum.org/wildmoonimmersion.html) and the videos of the people who are doing it for an entire year and boy is it intense:( http://www.cbc.ca/sunday/2008/11/112308_5.html, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdKA43k2g00) She isn't there for a whole year thing but those are the people she is living with. She is living in one of those lodges I think with the year long people off of food she collects (with a little help from the base camp). I definitely know I could not do this. Not with it being -14 degrees outside today. I didn't even leave my house. Hey at least she has ambitions and goals though, even if they are not the ones I would pursue. If anyone could do this she can. I didn't really realize until today how crazy this adventure of hers is but hey I can't help but respect it. |
| Saturday, December 13th, 2008 |
| 2:35 am |
So most of you are not updated on my life. Maybe its cause i dont know about it either. so yeah i like being brief so here we go. 3 months ago Richey and I broke up. Drinking tonight made me remember i lost my best friend as I haven't talked to him in like 2 weeks. But I am feeling better about it but I do wonder what/who my future will hold. Next I haven't applied for anything next year. I kinda want to teach abroad but am not sure. I dont know where or how long... I just feel like everything is out of control. Not that I want everything to be in control (hence prob with Richard) but I really dont know what to do with myself and I am afraid I'm changing. Tonight made me think of that too. I had the people from improv over and we had some drinks and they just recently left. I think my roommates are not happy with this (sorry Callyson) so I just feel bad for not thinking/asking them about their needs. I know this is not just my apartment I just wanted to see them all before the break and was not satisfied with just going to lame Chins. Also I had a pretty awful week and wanted to relax and hang out and improv peeps are sweet and I dont get to just hang with them very often as i usually have to yell at them to practice. Man I'm really scared about next year. What am I gonna do? |
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
maddiehotpants's journal